eeek.
i swear im gg to go crazy soon.

too much irrelevant stuff in my life that i wish to concentrate on.
HAHAHA.
have been twitting everybody.
for the sake of 2pm guys.

i really really hope that get to see all of these.
at least learn of it?
im sure it would be quite of a surprise, right?

#whattimeisitnow is currently at 2nd place, and rising.
i cant wait for it to reach the top.
MY LOVE. <33

ughh, i feel sorry for the korean soccer team that i saw on tv,
they just arrived in korea from overseas at the incheon airport.

and those very same gates reminded me of our beloved one.
i cringed and teared.
oh how much i want jaebeom to come back soon. T.T 

 it's been sometime since ive last posted!
but a few changes have been made to my comp.
well, two only actually.

i just installed 2 new browsers into the system, Safari and Firefox.
i miss firefox soo much!
but i was just lazy to go download. it makes downloading stuff so much more easier!


and so, i was thinking a week ago.
what would it be like if i actually had gone for the jyp auditions at the beginning of year 2007?
when the news was released, i only had around a week's time to prepare and all.
not to mention that i had no prior experience in singing, unlike now.
and i dont think i;ve ever held a mike before.
it seemed so surreal to me at that point of time, but it still seems surreal now.

i know the chances of me getting in is smaller than small,
but just what if?
one of the main reasons for not joining the auditions was because i still wasnt sure that i would be able to give up my studies, given the opportunity to join jype.
it was a difficult situation. 
it's almost impossible for you to say "no" if u passed the auditions.
what respect would u then have for the company?
on the other hand, by not trying, u would never know what the result would be.

it was a dillemma.
but i wonder, if i passed the audition and went to korea, would i be happy.
hearing taec and khun talk abt their trainee days made me cringe a little.
im not sure if i am able to overcome such difficulties.

but ohwell, there are more impt things for do right now yeah?

TIME TO SLEEP :DDDD

so.. today marks the end of the prelim period.
and im getting extremely worried about what my grades are gg to be.
i know that physics is really screwed up, while i still have some hope left for the other subjects...
sighh. all bad stuff away..

and today after the last paper, i went out together with eunice2, clarissa, allicia and joce to PS, as requested by eunice2.
lol. haha, cos she wanted to play with that arcade machine at the basement level.
but before doing anything, most importantly we had out lunch.
i was actually pretty hungry by the time i got to PS
it could be due to the Strepsils that i ate during the paper, but im not very sure.
but we eventually went to Crystal Jade Kitchen, at which i ordered this extremely large plate of noodles.
i had a shock when i saw it... O:


and the jaebum saga.
i just read a letter from a KHottest to Andy Laurel.
everything seems so complicated, its difficult to rule out that one way of doing things is correct or wrong.
cos there simply isnt a correct or wrong way of doing things.
who sets the boundaries as to what's right or wrong??
the boys themselves. the society. or the fanbase.
everything is just coming together into one lump.
all we can do now is just hope for the best i guess.

jaebeom i hope you are doing fine.
taec, junho, junsu, chansung, wooyoung, khun, i hope you arent having a hard time.
and wooyoung, if u really posted that entry, i have nothing much to say but sorry.
KHottests have their reasons, im sure jay has his reasons, and you guys have your reasons.
its just a time of chaos and uproar that everybody hope would pass one day.
definitely it would.
so till then, we must all stay strong. and united as one.


LOVE n RESPECT.

i dont really have much to talk about today,
but i just came back from an extremely sumptuous japanese dinner outside.
it was 33 bucks per head, with unlimited servings of sashimi and whatnot.
and uh, my parents ordered too much and i had to help them finish.
i am currently filled to the brim and dorwning in a sea of raw fish...!

and finally, ive gotten around downloading all the subbed videos for wild bunny!
all the while, after watching the sub version on yt, i just rewatch wild bunny on my computer using the raw version without subs.
so now i have like 2 versions of the same show. lol.
anything for 2pm boys that is.

as for yunho's drama, im not really excited about it.
the storyline isnt anything too interesting but im just asking myself to watch because of yunho.
i dont want to let his efforts go to waste.
as a fan, i feel that i should support him!

and before downloading Heading to the Ground, i also downloading the premiere episode of Dream Team Season 2
it was wonderful! loaded with minho and junho goodness.
and gosh, can junho run damn fast!
and minho has a talent for squeezing through stuff cos he's extremely skinny.
PS. junho has a tan-line above his kness that i find very funny.
it gave me the "oh boys... will always be boys.." reaction.!

out of boredom in the aftnn today, i went to rewatch taec's episode of Mnet Scandal.
<333 TAEC!
he's so gorgeous in there.
and ive grasped the esscence of "DAEBAK" from him.
lol, its extremely nice to use that word.
(((:

ohwell, off to watch yunho now <33

WHOA.

대박. 진짜대박.

the school exam freaking tricks me of my property! DDDDD:

i left my long ruler at the examination hall for common tests.
and today, i had to leave my curve ruler together with my extra gc batteries under the table.
i tell you it's a conspiracy!

they purposely give small tables so that i have to put stuff under the table.
and so that they are able to cheat me of my stuff!!

GAAHHH.
what has this world come to?!
lol. T_T
i want my stationary back! 돌아와~~

my appetite has been decreasing exponentially lately.
its kinda bad.
extremely bad. im eating less than half or what i would normally eat.

i dont have the mood for staple food.
it just disgusts me somehow.
when i see noodles or rice, im like "eek, dont feel like eating"
idek. i just eat vegetables for lunch.
like i just chop my vegetables, boil them and i slowly munch on them.
i would actually not prefer eating lunch, but i dont want my parents to freak out about my eating habits.
they have no idea that i have been skipping lunch for at least 2 years.
and since im at home all day, i have no excuse for not having any leftovers in the dustbin to show that ive been eating lunch.
so i just force myself to eat something, in hopes of making things better.

i never knew eating could be this hard.
i dont believe i am anorexic now, seriously.
i have no qualms about my body.
it isnt really about feeling that im fat and losing appetite.
it is just feeling depressed, and not in the mood to eat
you know, food just becomes tasteless.

i worry for myself. i worry about so many things.
and i just dont feel like eating.
im so sorry to my body, but i really dont feel hunger atm, i dont feel like eating.
eating has already become a chore.

its like a bittersweet feeling, looking at their past performances.
i went onto cyworld out of boredom and went to look at the videos there.
idk, i just randomly clicked on "박진영 재범" and a list of videos appeared.
and i saw quite a few fancams. so i decided to watch them! :D

true enough, it was an extremely bittersweet experience.
it was a school event that they were at.
there were only 6 ppl on stage, cos junho want there.
i thought, it would most probably be due to health reasons.
the video was posted in july anyway. so everything was still good.

yup. they performed again and again, only you, then 10 out of 10.
it was nice seeing them performing so carefreely.
and lol at jay taking over junho's parts for again and again
 - and i think chansung was supposed to sing juinho's second verse, but jay started singing the part first.
and then they just looked at each other while jay continued singing. lol. maknae!
and junsu had problems with the dance postiions as well. lol.
it was quite chaotic but funny!

another lol at taec for taking junho's part in 10/10
he sang quite well actually! im proud of you taec!!~
and only you was exceptionally sweet.
junsu and his "its only you my baby, it's only you you you you!"

it was really fun watching all of them performing on stage and having fun
nothing too intense here. it was just happy dancing around. (((:

but i just want to see them back together, soon
just whenever, jay.

i feel that the only thing i can do now is to just dance.
i need to tire myself out.
i dont want to keep thinking about something that has already been done.

just that im dancing his dance.
i hope i can remember him better this way.
i want to leave a good impression of him...

edit:

i want to remember him as the person who excels in dance and is a good leader.
i dont want to have the painful memories of him leaving the team out of guilt from the mistakes he made in the past.
jay boy, no matter what, u will always be in our hearts.
we will always be supporting you.
we will always be supporting your boys.
we will always be awaiting a stronger you.

i kinda hate myself for seeing everything happen.
its like my heart is slowly wearing itself out.
after i posted that long post yesterday, i wanted to cry again.

gosh jay.
and i went to listen to my recordings from the kpop concert.
i wanted to cry.
i loved him at that point of time.
those happy days when he was happy to be performing
those happy days when he wasnt under scrutiny

and i went to bed.
the word "rapper boy" kept appering in my head.
my heart kept aching.
i didnt know what to do.
i turned the tv on, i saw 2pm on kbsworld.
even though jay wasnt on that episode, i couldnt bear to watch it.
it hurts my heart so much.
then i tried to put myself to sleep by turning on the air-conditioner.
i slept, but i woke up twice in my sleep, thinking about "rapper boy"

i think i have an emotional complexity.
my heart aches more and more as the days pass
the emoiton grows stronger and stronger.

and i woke up this morning, feeling not too good.
i have this heavy feeling pulling me down.
reading the fb pms that i had with claire, i came to an even more shocking realisation.
i realised, how true and powerful were taecyeon's and jyp's words.

the time when jay's myspace address was found, he begged to not spread word of it.
not wanting more ppl to know of his (jay's) account, or know that he has an account
i remember deleting the posts on my wall.
cos i felt that i wouldnt be doing my part as a fan.
sprading private information of ur idol is not something a fan should do,
unless the idol has agreed to releasing the information.



i just hope time would turn back itself.
so much happened within these few days.
im about to cry myself a river soon.

hmm. i feel the need to post all my thoughts.
i swear my heart broke into pieces yesterday.
i'm not sure if i can ever take such news again.
i hope i wont have to, ever.
from a moment of disbelief, to the blunt feeling of having your stabbed.
i couldnt control my emotions.
i broke out into tears when i saw the word "last message"
i didnt dare to read on. i was afraid, and i was almost hyperventilating.
i was telling myself, "noooooooooooo. this must be a joke"

unfortunately, it isnt a joke.
leader jay said "i will be leaving 2pm"
it was even funny, i was truly headdesking.
i couldnt believe it happened.
after all the apologies from jay and the support from HOTTESTS, he left.
i panicked.
i had no idea what to do. i felt so helpless.
i was stuck at that post for 5mins.

within that time, so many memories flowed back to me.
the very first time i saw 2pm on music bank on kbsworld.
hell with it, i couldnt even remember their faces then.
but all i remember was that i loved their dance.
it was just coincidental that i saw them on tv.
then i went to download their music.
but i still wasnt a fan then.

however as news of 2pm coming to singapore to perform spread,
i was excited as hell. totally ecstatic.
i went to visit their official site. i tried remembering all their names.
i remember i had trouble trying to differentiate wooyoung and junho.
and that i would always leave wooyoung out when im remembering their names.
but man, did jaebum leave a great impression on me.
it was an easy piece of cake to remember him, and he was so prominent.
he stood out from the team. i didnt even know that he has an english name.
talk about language similarities making things easier, its irrelevant here.

as time slowly approached, i still wasnt sure that i would be going for the concert due to the lack of tickets.
but i was gradually hooked onto 2pm.
even though i didnt look at their videos cos there was too much dbsk at that point of time,
i listened to their music everyday.
i even tried to learn taec's rap in Only You.
during a field trip to some Military Academy on 22nd October, i was even playing 10/10 while sitting around.
i was hooked onto them, real bad. i was really proud of 2pm them. i was happy that i knew 2pm.
even my indian friend knew the vital lyrics to the song "shibjeom man jeome shibjeom"
i dont know how it happened. but tese 7 guys made me happy.

a few days later, it was the day of the concert.
i still wasnt sure if i could go to the concert and i was feeling rather gloomy.
i tried to comfort myself by listening to 2pm while going to school for a full-day choir practice.
i think God was on my side, but i received a missed call from my friend just 30min before practice ended.
it was around 6.30pm i remember.
by the time i got onto the mrt, it was already seven plus.
it was 7.19pm when i smsed milton about the tickets.
jiayi collected the tickets for me in the end.


and i also met a few fans from malaysia who were there to see 2pm also and we shared a cab,
cos there were too many people trying to cab there
plus, traffic jam. and i was still in my school uniform.
i had to be the most prominent person at the concert venue.

as soon as 2pm came out, i was screaming my lungs out.
i sang along with them.
i did a "whoa" sound when taec sang his "dwit moseubi" action in the second verse.
i was thrilled. when jay started to rap. ((:
i was smitten by him.
after they performed 10/10. they had a VERY short break before coming back to perform Only You.
in the mean time, junsu spoke to the audience. i couldnt understand a word, but i was happy just listening.
and i also couldnt be sure that it was junsu who was speaking then.
but i really appreciated the fact he spoke a little bit of english at the end.
although it got cut off by MTV PRODUCTIONS in the tv telecast.
the fans there heard it. THANKYOU SO MUCH JUNSU.
they performed Only You and i melted yet again.
the dance break at the end, it was just amazing.
i never dreamed that i would see them dance that in front of my eyes.

after the concert, we werent exactly stalking anyone.
but just bumping our luck cos we were so high and didnt want to leave yet.
anyway, while waiting for the public bus to arrive, the 2pm bus went past the bus station that i was at.
and the bus even stopped there, cos uhm, there was another public bus in front.
surprisingly, chansung was there on the bus, looking down at my friend and i. (and the other fans most probably)
i was totally shocked. i couldnt do much but smile back at him and waved.
as the bus left, i waved even harder.
such a magical moment.
i think i saw jay too, but the chansung look was too intense i forgot about jay.

and they were gona. the following days were spent fangirling at home.
i wasnt into the stalking business, and simply had no idea how to.
when i went to japan, i happily saved the winter version of only you into my phone as well.
to keep myself entertained.

as the new year approached, academic work took over again.
but the teasers that 2pm_yt uploaded made me all excited again.
i felt extreme excitement waiting for their comeback.

many things happened during their comeback.
performances. mnet scandal. thailand promos. wild bunny.
i thought everything would end well with this week's last ep of wild bunny.
but it didnt happen.
things... just didnt take a better turn.

at a time like this, i would just say im rooting for jay all the way.
even though im disappointed that he just left like that, im sure he had his reasons.
as an adult, i believe that he has the ability to weigh the pros and cons
and know what's best for himself, the group and of course, HOTTESTS.

JAY, HOTTESTS ARE ALWAYS HERE FOR YOU.




edit:
shit, i feel like crying now.
i wrote this post like on 26th july.2009.
just a month and a few days before all this happened.
the good old day... i cant bear to look at the entries.
they make me break down T_T dayum.

RAHH.

A Frozen Flower  made me cry like a baby near the ending.
why is their love so tragic?
it was so so so sad.
even listening to that ssanghwajeom makes me feel sad now.

no doubt, it was a really great movie.
period movie that made me cry..
wonderful.
touching movie indeed.


sidenote: jo in sung has really feminine facial features when he has long hair.
i've never really thought about it when i saw him in dramas. but here, he was super attractive.
and ive never seen anyone play their role that well before.
heck the exccessive adult scenes. they cant be taken away for sure, for it was everywhere.
and i realised that each sex scene had different emotions.

from the first time of helplessness, to the second time of wanting to care for another, to the third time of falling in love.
the others werent really necessary, imo.
but my otp in the movie... had a sad ending. sigh.

so.. i was getting a little restless studying today.
and decided to try out a new song (((:

it's "i Have a Lover" originally sung by Lee Eun Mi (?)
mmhmm. but it was junsu from 2pm singing it that i got inspired.
and then i found that many people have done covers of it.
HAHAH. what a famous song!

i started out with my own range first cos i cldnt go all the way low to a guy's range for the start.
and didnt want to try out a range too high for myself.
i sang at a very comfortable range that i use when i sing spontaneously.
but it was only the chorus. thus, i wasnt all that satisfied.

then i went to listento more covers and see what other songs i could sing.
and uhm, i sadly got brought back to the same song!
i saw him singing the same song in the female pitch.
and it struck me, "if junsu, a guy, can do it, i cant see why i cant!"

it was tiring singing this song actually.
it was as if, if i sang any longer, my throat would just die.

uhm, ignore the coarsey note near the end.
but i really couldnt get the coarse feel out of my voice.. T_T

HAHA. I HAD A FUNNY DREAM YESTERDAY.

i dreamt that i was climbing up the hills with 2 of my other male friends while carrying a haversack..
so we were walking walking and it felt cold, and it was getting REAL high and scary, so i held onto my friend's right arm.

and not long after, he and i plunged down the cliff without any warning.
i could have sweared i hung onto my friend like anything.
and i saw parachutes! ((:
the G-force that i experienced in my dream while falling the cliff was very surreal!
i truly felt that i was experiencing free-falling!
and then i panicked over letting go of myself from my friend.
cos i hated the feel of free-fall.
but i persisted and tried to look for my parachute button.

uhm, i couldnt really find the button and i was nearing land already.
i just fumbled and pressed everything i could...
and my dream ended.

hmmph.

awww, im falling back into the mood of thinking about the unthinkable.
it makes life seem so much more meaningful and adventurous.

it doesnt feel nice to be trapped in this small world and not being able to see AND experience other stuff
there is still so much more in life, other than school, or just academics.

what about our social life?
i don't think i have spent a lot of time making new friends over the course of 18yrs of my life.
living in denial?
i just didnt see the need to make new friends.
cos somehow or another, from p1-6, the whole class remained the same, except for around 5 ppl changing from A to B class and vice versa. it was like a "im too preoccupied in my own world" kind of thing, that i didnt bother to look at others.

reading chasing taboo, i think i have gotten so much more insights into life.
after each chapter, i ask myself, "what would i have done if i were to encounter such a situation?"
most of the time i would tell myself to go with the flow, but i know for a fact that when things really happen, i don't do anything.

vulnerable much?
i guess so.
its like im easily manipulated by others if i actually favour that person and don't mind being manipulated.
moreover, i feel comfortable being manipulated at times.
unless i have strong feelings towards a particular someone, i would think that i would just follow whatever one says.

plusplus, i srsly need to hang out with my friends more often.
i feel confined as of now.
it makes me feel that i havent fully relaxed in a long long time.
i would really like to just spend my time, hanging out with my friends, ang get something productive done together, yet under a stress-free environment, which unfortunately ceases to exist in the modern society.

hmm, i really feel like going on an escapade.
or just trying drugs out... for that excitement.
but its illegal.

yah. i need someone.

OMO! i was looking through wiki about the dog breeds of dbsk.
and rofl. did i find out that 3 of the dogs are related by breed?!

so yoochun has an Alaskan Malamute, yunho a Siberian Husky and junsu a Samoyed.
the very first dog that i went to read up on was yoochun's. then i saw a link to the siberian husky at the comparison of dog fur between the 2breeds.
cos first of all, they look super similar. and i cant really differentiate them!
lol, and they said that huskies have a less "harsher" furcoat than malamute.
im not sure what it really meant, but yah.

so siberian husky. we all know how siberian huskies are.
well, at least the basics?
but gosh, today is the first time i realised that huskies and samoyed originate from the same place!
like, siberia in russia.
and they look so fraking different.
while one is a white, fluffy and cuddly like a mass of cotton wool,
the other ones takes the looks of a wolf, (which i adore very much)

yupyup. and seeing samoyed just makes people go all gooey, i think
THEY LOOK SO CUTE AND FUN TO HUG AND CUDDLE.
and yesyes. one of the most amazing things had to happen while i was looking at the characteristics of a samoyed.

and behold.


SO NOW XIAHKI IS OFFICIALLY FAMOUS INTERNATIONALLY.
yay.
so much for being a parent now, with so many puppies.and junsu being a grand-dad